Crazy Ramblings

Alright, so I"m crazy... very overwhelmingly crazy... I swear some days I feel like it. lol.

Honestly though, for a while I've had people surprised that I can "handle it so well" and are impressed. I smile, thank them, and wonder how am I doing it? Well to be honest, I don't think I'm doing as well as I thought. I've had a lot of problems that I carry around with me and I do think I've dealt with PPD since before Camden was born and am only now willing to admit that. (I tried to ask my doctor at my 6 week checkup after Camden was born but she brushed it off... that was 18 months ago). That's the story of me, I had full blown toxemia (almost made them pass out when I drove myself to my doctor and walked in looking like a marshmallow) but the nurse assured me I was fine during a phone conversation. It takes a while for that nagging inside that something is not right for me to do something about it... sometimes that is. Sometimes I am right on but when it comes to me or my health for some reason it's easier to ignore things, pretend they don't happen.

I was fine after Alex was born despite their shock, they thought I'd have PPD but I honestly felt great. After Ariana was born I probably did have PPD but it didn't present itself the way I assumed it would. No crying lags, no sleepless nights (well, except getting up with the baby). I did however lock myself and my babies in my house away from others. I did go out with my mom occasionally and did church, all the stuff I should do. I kept myself away from the world as much as I could though and with two little babies that wasn't the best move.

When I was pregnant with Camden I had some issues... I was really scary agressive and thought that was the raging testosterone from carrying a son. (By the way, I was never agressive torwards people I knew or my children, it was ironically at strangers in the store... lol). I'm still dealing with some of the PPD stuff from before and it's finally time I say something I guess. This is a journal for me also so bear with me.

For those who don't know I also have a very non-supportive MIL who makes my life very hard and I honestly think my relationship with her, and the drama that surrounds certain members of my in-laws, is part of my problem. I try to not let it be but I do... she's really hurt me the last few years and I internalize it because I'm not allowed to say something to her. I'm not allowed to fight back, not allowed to let them know how I feel, just supposed to take it because fighting back is not going to solve any problems and besides, they wouldn't listen anyways. This is the oppposite of how I am raised, if you have a difficult relationship you have to work together on it not pretend that it's not a problem. She can be rude and spiteful and then turn around and wonders why I don't like her. I know that she has issues that I am not allowed to understand at this time, but that doesn't make it not hurt or drive me to insanity. I have to not be around her, I have to keep as much space as possible, or I may one day snap at her and really tell her what I've kept inside for 8 1/2 years... it wouldn't be pretty but then I feel sometimes that she would be much happier if she 0got to raise my kids... not a great feeling to get from your MIL.

Ray is gone all the time as well. He's working on his Masters now, he's been in school the *entire* 8 1/2 years we've been married. He doesn't get a lot of breaks either. After both Ariana and Camden were born he went back to work *2 days* later. No paternity leave, no staying home with me, just back to work. It's how it has to be and I understand that but I think being the sole child-care provider takes a toll on me. I go for *weeks* without getting away from my children and he goes for *weeks* only seeing them for a few hours here and there. It gets heavy sometimes.

I do have a good support system if I let them do their job. If I *let* others help me things go better and I realize that. It's accepting the help and realizing that I can't do this alone that's been something I've learned this last year. Maybe that's why I'm finally able to realize I do need to accept help from others (I promise I'm getting better at it!) My sister living with us was nice because I finally learned I don't *have* to take this load on all by myself.

So now that I've scared the snot out of all of you... lol. No I'm not depressed... no I'm not on meds right now (lol)... just tired and have done a lot of thinking and trying to decide what my best choice is and how I've gotten this far. I'm not doing anything crazy, what I mean by choice is I am going to talk to a new doctor and see if they are more willing to listen to the crazy ramblings of an over worked mother.

Ray is off for the summer soon (couple of weeks) and that will be a blessing for sure! Love to have him home again. Speaking of having someone home, my brother is coming over tonight to help me with the kids (Ray isn't home until late) so I've got to go.

Thanks for listening to my rambling, I know I'm not the only mom out there who thinks she is immune to the insanity of motherhood... lol