My hardest mommy moment

I have thought about it lately and wondered what has been my hardest mommy moment over the last 4 years. Has it been getting shots for my kids? The time I gave my baby girl a black eye (totally on accident, she fell and it was my fault... I still feel bad). Maybe when I accidentally locked a 4 month old Camden inside the house when I went to get his brother and sister out of the car? (He was in his car seat and thankfully not hurt...) No, but I did get thinking about some difficult times and, oddly enough, they all revolved around Alex (poor guy).

For some it may be a shock that my first response is not when he was born but honestly it was not the hardest thing I've ever done. Yes it was very difficult but I knew he'd be okay, he'd survive the ordeal and come home with his daddy and I as soon as he was allowed. I did have my moments of course where I cried and wondered why me but I had the Spirit with me reassuring that my son would be fine. Some people didn't understand that and even claimed that I was *too* optimistic, he could die at any minute and I needed to be there with him at every second. I did the best I could and don't regret it.

The second that came to mind was when he had the surgery on his cleft palate. I admit that was really difficult. We had to allow complete strangers to wheel away my darling boy. He was to tiny on that bed and his hospital gown swam on him. The worst part of that day was when I got to go see him after the surgery was over. He was laying in a huge room, iv in his arm, feeling terrified, confused, in pain, and wondering where mommy was. It took a long time to calm him down and the screaming was something no mother should ever have to deal with. One of the male nurses commented that "no one that size should have to be in here" and I couldn't agree more! I was however grateful, we had waited 2 years dreading that surgery and here my boy was doing so well. After he calmed down that helped a lot too, although it did take a long time.


No, it dawned on me after not long which was the worst. The worst was the day I thought that Alex was going to die in my arms.




It was June of 2006, Alex was 2 and Ariana was 1. He had fevers in the past but something was different about this fever, it spiked quickly and was hot. I had put him down for nap like usual but was worried about how hot he was. He was soon awake, moaning and not moving much. In desperation (the tylenol and motrin weren't touching it) I decided I had to give him a lukewarm bath. Did I mention I was desperate? Ariana was following us into the bathroom and Alex was hysterical, screaming and throwing a tantrum as I tried to take his clothes off of him and running the bath water. Thankfully he was quite small at the time.


I will never forget what happened next, it still haunts me. His whole body suddenly went rigid and he had the most terrifying look on his face. His eyes got huge and panicked and in that split second he was begging for help, asking mommy to please help him because he no longer had control of his body. His body started jerking uncontrollably, eyes rolled up into his head, and he was foaming at the mouth. I have never been witness to a seizure but knew what it was... it was the most terrifying and helpless feeling. I rolled him to his side as he was still in my lap and trembling reassured him "Alex, it's okay baby, just come back to me honey!" I honestly have never felt so vulnerable, here he was okay one minute and the next I didn't know if he was going to come out of this. It was so scary and no warning. That was the longest 90 seconds of my life watching helplessly while my son had no control over his body. I remember praying "please don't take my baby!" Ray walked in at the end of the seizure and I yelled "he's seizing" without thinking about it. He dropped everything and as soon as he was back in the bathroom he was ready to give him a Priesthood blessing. Alex had stopped shaking at that point but was in a deep comatose state that they go into after these seizures. His body was no longer hot but he was very limp and lethargic. We couldn't wake him up and thoughts of brain damage raced through my brain.

I finally realized that Ariana was in the room and was surprised that she wasn't doing what I would expect her to do. Instead of the panicked crying or screaming she was calmly sitting there, watching everything quietly and staying out of the way. I have no doubt that angels were there keeping her out of the way and making sure she was taken care of. I also have no doubt that Alex was blessed that day and I had someone there making sure I knew what to do, and what not to do.

The evening went okay, he did finally come out of his sleep a few hours later. The night he had another fever spike and had yet another seizure, this time on his changing table. Poor Ray was there with him when this happened and was holding him on his side while it worked it's way out. We took him to the ER immediately that night where they helped take his fever down and sent us home late.

He has only had one other situation where we thought he would have yet another febrile seizure. That was scary, Ray left the room because he was so nervous and I lay there with him singing songs and trying to calm him. He *knew* what was going to happen if that fever got too high, his body was twitching and jerking anticipating the seizure that, thankfully, never came. (This was within the last year).


I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for making sure there was no permanent damage from that. Some may say "oh, people have those all the time" but honestly, there is nothing like it. I hope to never have to feel like that again and give sympathy to anyone who has loved ones deal with seizures... ugh. I am definitely blessed!